the brain that refuses to listen...i call it the brain because more often than just occasionally it refuses to listen to me and works and thinks on its own accord. When i'm attending lectures in college it makes me think about dresses or how much money is left in my bank account and how i have to squeeze through with that amount in the next ten to fifteen days that is left in the month. while all i want to concentrate on is how Stalin carried out the purge in Russia. seriously, sometimes i think im losing it and the last bit of sanity that is left in me will go up in smokes in the next few days.while i want to sleep at 11 at night, my brain keeps me awake till two at night and il be thinking of random things both happy and depressing. i feel utterly helpless dealing with situations like these , and often wonder whether it is due to stress of studies but then how can it be as i hardly ever study thanks to my alien brain or are these the initial symptoms of some psychological breakdown, the latter is more likely as i often come across articles in the newspapers of how India is in need of a lot more psychologists and that stress and nervous breakdown levels are increasing in urban India. but the more i think about it the the less likely i feel about me being on the verge of psychological breakdown or ok... being less dramatic a minor depression.
the third conclusion i have drawn is that it is more resulting due to peer pressure, relationship expectations the need to be liked and appreciated on social networking sites. because no matter how hard i try to act like an introvert and take pride in myself by calling myself an anti social. the truth is like every one else i too feel the need sometimes or more than sometimes to feel accepted and appreciated by people in general. its not like i want to be a social diva or something but just a random friendly gesture or few words of encouragement is what i look for. when sometimes things dont work out with friends or family, i do feel the need and urge to turn somewhere for comfort because if i dont then i will be just repressing it, and repression is not healthy at all infact it is quite dangerous. now im digressing from the points that i started with, see this is how my brain works.one minute here the next it jumps to a point of conversation that is totally of the radar.
its very essential to be able to tame your brain like we have to do with dogs, otherwise it will do whatever the hell it wants and will crap all over the place. right now im in the process of doing that, and i know slow and steady i will get there. one more thing i do to relax my jingling nerves  is to write, whatever comes to my mind. it acts like a soothing balm to my troubled mind. so i f anyone doesnt like the content of this post just click on the red cross on the top right hand side :)
and hopefully il be more regualr in coming back here and writing my heart out. till another phase of blues takes over me..tata!

Smoke unsettles around me
I can smell it in the air
Twirling into the air
As i open my mouth and release...
A glass of vodka on the table
I drain down in haste
Leaves a bitter taste in my mouth
I wonder what good it did to me
There is a smoke burning in my hand
Like time burning as I sit idle
Burning each passing second
I’m usually shy around people
But my tongue wags like the tail of a dog
I lean and hold my knees to my chest
And wonder what I was wondering
Before i manage to recall
I’m lost in oblivion
Of my smoky hazy sleep

my words: my words: LOVE OR TROPHY

my words: my words: LOVE OR TROPHY: "my words: LOVE OR TROPHY"

my words: LOVE OR TROPHY

my words: LOVE OR TROPHY

LOVE OR TROPHY

I often wonder the relationships that we often call love between the two sexes are they for real or just another trophy on the mantle. It all comes down to wearing the best of clothes to impress each other to have nothing but to have the best and the most candid stories to tell. Long gone are the days where love was about passion and compassion for one another when men wooed women with their poetry or their bravery. It has become more of like an asset a trophy to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. And instead of poetry we have the language of Gucci and do you speak prada my dear... Women are no longer known for their intelligence or beauty but it is the jimmy choos and Carlton London that defines them. Love lust passion has become past tense in an age that loves by the apples and blackberry’s you have. It was more than fantasy that inspired Shakespeare to write Romeo and Juliet the most clichéd love story of all times and the events of those time must have surely inspired this love story of his. The Romeo of today has many Juliet’s waiting for him and vice versa and their love stories have short spans as another is waiting to begin with another Romeo. Have we all succumbed to materialistic pleasures to such extent that we get blinded by them and fail to see life’s true worth? In a lifetime people call so short we go through innumerable relationships of love and hate and end up regretting most of them. Was this so called short life worth all the regrets? Or are we too busy experimenting or tossing are lives to unworthy infatuations and all good for nothing relationships. Our love interest is nothing but just a mere trophy decorating the mantle that later on becomes an obligation on us and at times it’s too late to turn back. When you have had enough of socializing and the flow of wine doesn’t tempt you any longer you want somebody by your side and then you look up at the decorated mantle and find your trophy no longer there it lies smashed on the ground. Broken. So why don’t we all do a favor to ourselves and remove the trophy from the mantle. It will no longer be a burden an obligation or just a mere decoration in your life. Instead cherish the one you love and try not to be a showstopper all the time. The quite times spent together at home besides the fireplace are worth much more than the times spent bustling among people you hardly know where the only thing common among you and them is your phony attitude and the label on your clothes. Take time to smell the roses my friend…life is too short for your whims and fancies. Its about time we learn to respect and adore the love in our life rather than displaying it people who are not even worthy of it.

one teaches itself to laugh

when you want to cry your heart out

learning to repress things

when you want to say it all

hiding a thousand sorrows behind

your smile

you want to say so much

but the words just don't flow

life makes you

what circumstances force on your way

and then you sit back and think

where did it all begin to go wrong

why are you where you are?

people hurl questions at you

but you have no answers

even when you would like to

because there is nothing left to say

no one left to listen

because no one will understand

as they haven't gone through it

and you wish that they never do